Is the Seven-Year Itch Real in Marriage?

According to the available research evidence, there are several periods in a marriage that seem, on average, to be particularly troublesome – the first year, the seventh year, the fifteenth year, and the 30^th year.  Marriages that survive and thrive beyond 30 years have virtually no chance of ending in divorce!

Our focus in this article is the Seven-Year Itch, so widely reported in the popular media.  Data from the U.S. Census Bureau would suggest that the Seven-Year Itch is, in fact, real.

Some of the most interesting facts about marriage and divorce have come from the U.S. Census Bureau.

Several years ago, the Census Bureau issued a press release entitled “Most People Make Only One Trip Down the Aisle, But First Marriages Shorter.”  The fact reported in the press release that piqued our interest the most was:  “On average, first marriages that end in divorce last about eight years.”  This is the phenomenon often called the “Seven-Year Itch.”

The more basic question is, how do you stay faithful to the one you love and keep your loving relationship healthy and strong so it survives.  We offer these seven tips to help you avoid the Seven-Year Itch and become one of those couples building a love that lasts:

1.   Understand that the occasional temptation to betray the trust of the one you love through infatuation with another person is a perfectly normal feeling when it comes to love and marriage.  Being infatuated with another person doesn’t make you less human.  Accept that these feelings are natural.

2.  Actually acting on the feelings of infatuation and temptation impulses is not normal and destroys the underlying foundation of a marriage.  Take time to fully think through the consequences before you make that choice.  There is no mistake about it, cheating on your spouse is deadly to the trust in your relationship.

3.  Recognize that continuing and recurring fantasies and infatuations about another person is a strong indicator of something amiss in your relationship with your spouse.

4.  The “turn the corner rule”—is to address the issue head-on with your loving partner.  Failure to do so will doom your relationship to the ash-heap of lost love.

5. Love takes hard work.  Frankly, sometimes you determine that your loving relationship is lost.  But more likely, you discover that you truly love your spouse. You must save this relationship by committing to the hard work it will take to rebuild the love.

6.  Seek help!  Sometimes couples turn to a marriage counselor.  Others learn how to make their relationship work by reading what others, including us, have discovered.  You can learn so much about your relationship by “discovering” what others have already learned!

7.  Sometimes you have to “fish or cut bait.”  The reality is that some marriages cannot be saved.  But hopefully an examination will reveal your relationship is worth saving.  You should always work towards that end if you are to avoid the Seven-Year Itch.

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts
Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
For more marriage advice visit their website Simple Things Matter

Infidelity: There are Liars and Cheats Amongst Us

Infidelity Kills a Marriage

In our recent blog post for http://www.PsychologyToday.com, discussing the infidelity of Arnold Schwarzenegger, we pointed out how our three-decades of research on successful marriage around world clearly supported this simple notion – infidelity in a marriage or relationship is rarely forgiven – infidelity is, for the most part, an unpardonable act.

The following three very important paragraphs were included in our post because, believe it or not, there are liars and cheats amongst us who believe that infidelity is forgivable and excusable. Some who wrote us even said it was “normal,” “encouraged” and “acceptable” in some parts of the world.

We responded to those who are morally bankrupt with the following three paragraphs:

“And to those doubting Thomas’s who believe that cheating on your spouse—engaging in acts of infidelity with the one you purport to love more than life itself—doesn’t matter, well, we have several questions for you.

Do you have someone in your life that you trust completely and unequivocally? Do you have a friend who trusts you back just the same? Is there someone in your life that you would lay down your life for? Is there someone in your life that would do the same for you?

If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, then ask yourself this one final question—if either my trustworthy friend or I violated the aforementioned trust before us, would I still say that infidelity is okay? If you say ‘yes’ then you are a person without principle—a person someone else cannot trust. Tell us infidelity doesn’t matter!”

Let’s take a further look at this notion by asking the following additional questions that we think will prove our point:

Ask yourself this question – “Do I have a best friend?” If the answer is “Yes” ask yourself this second question – “Would I ever betray my friend and consider such action an acceptable act?”

Or what about this? Have you ever completed a deal with a handshake, made a promise to someone you intended to keep, entered into a contract that you were morally and legally bound to uphold?

We would offer the following – if your answer is “yes” to any of the questions, then ask yourself this – why is a marriage you have entered into not worthy of the same consideration? Why would you tell someone you love them, make promises to them, enter into a contract with them, and then betray them by engaging in infidelity?

Be honest with yourself and with others. If you believe that infidelity with your spouse or lover is acceptable, then you also believe that a “handshake” doesn’t matter, that a commitment is just a bunch of meaningless words, that friends can be betrayed with impunity, and that a written contract is worth no more than the paper it is written on.

Those who wrote us and suggested that infidelity is AOK and acceptable – we say to you – you are a hypocrite! If you would violate the relationship you have with another person you purport to love, then you are guilty of betrayal. There are no if’s, and’s, and but’s, about it.

The bottom line is this – those who believe that lying, cheating, and engaging in acts of infidelity are okay is someone who is morally bankrupt. Such a person has a worthless handshake. And the truth is this – do not expect such a person to honor a commitment. One cannot cheat on a spouse and then rationalize that such an act is okay and that just because some do, it is acceptable.

Please, spare us the hypocrisy.

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts
Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
For more marriage advice visit their website Simple Things Matter

Sandra Bullock betrayed by Jesse James

We saw a headline today that caused us to wonder why so many so-called “marriage counselors” give such bad advice to people. The recent marital problems involving the well-known actress, Sandra Bullock, have been plastered all over the news services over the past few days, but here is the headline from the NYDailyNews.com that got us riled – “Sandy still can save it! Sandra Bullock must fight to salvage marriage to Jesse James, experts say.” Oh, really??

First, it was Sandra’s husband that cheated on her with a tattoo artist! Why would the story highlight be what SHE has to do to save her marriage? Good question, huh?

We love this quote from the article – “The ugly public revelations that husband Jesse James cheated on Bullock are painful but not fatal for the couple’s reeling relationship.” Again – oh, really?? Says who?

Well, it seems that psychologist Dr. Robin Newman and marriage counselor Dr. Flo Rosoff believe that Sandra can save her marriage to Jesse James. We think they are both wrong and wrong-headed!

The ultimate betrayal of the one you say you love is almost always an unrecoverable act! Writers, therapists, counselors, and psychologists who suggest otherwise are not only fooling themselves, they are misleading those they purport to represent.

Sandra Bullock may choose to try and save her marriage to Jesse James, but the likelihood of her succeeding is pretty close to zero. Trust is at the very heart of a successful marriage. Destroy the trust, destroy the marriage. It really is that simple.

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts
Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
For more marriage advice visit their website Simple Things Matter

Love and Marriage Experts

Marriage Experts.  Enjoy this video about us posted by Sherry Fetzer and April Cline.

The foundation of true love

Character in a successful marriage or relationship does matter, and character is about trust.  Being honest and trustworthy is at the heart of all the best loving relationships we have studied.  It really is a 10 on a 10-point scale.  In our estimation, character is the foundation of true love! This is one of the most important lessons we have learned from more than 26 years of research on six continents of the world.

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts
Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
For more marriage advice visit their website Simple Things Matter

Tiger Woods – The Age of Infidelity

Don’t be fooled and don’t be foolish.  Relationships that are the victim of betrayal, infidelity, and disloyalty almost always end in failure.  Those who have been successfully married for years and years know this to be true.  Don’t be misled by those who suggest otherwise.

Let’s hope that this “age of infidelity” will soon pass and that couples who have made the vow to “love and honor in sickness and in health until death do us part” will hold true to the meaning of this constant refrain of the successful marriages we have studied around the world.  There is much to learn from a successful marriage!

Read more about The Age of Infidelity
By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts
Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
For more marriage advice visit their website Simple Things Matter