Archive for the ‘Love the Second Time Around’ Category

Stop Thinking About Your Meaningful Life and Start Living It

January 12, 2016

Couple on bicycle in field

Live the lessons:  It matters how you live your life!

How you live your life matters! It matters to you and the ones you love.

Philosophers throughout history have provided guidance and theories about the importance of living worthwhile lives. But philosophers talk in vast generalities instead of providing helpful lessons that can be modeled.

After hearing yet another speaker philosophically expound about the importance of living a good life without providing any lessons, we were inspired to write this article about the “Ten Lessons of Life and Love.”  Always remember—inspiration often comes from those you disagree with.

We are pleased to share our “Ten Lessons About Life and Love” with you today. Here they are:

  1. Each day you wake up, remind yourself of your dreams and the dreams of the one you love. It is highly important to have dreams. Dreams remind you of what is important to you, what you value, and what you are motivated to strive for each and every day. A day without a dream is, for most people, a bad day.Charley’s life experience of growing up poor in a small rural farming community of central Missouri without, as his Mother used to say, “A pot to pee in or a window to throw it out of,” reminds us of the power of a dream! Frankly, we cannot imagine where our lives would be if we didn’t have dreams of achieving something far beyond what might have been imaginable to most kids growing up in small towns and in big cities.
  1. Seek happiness in your life. Make your happiness and the happiness of the one you love, a major life goal.As love and marriage researchers, we have interviewed thousands of successfully married couples in all 50 USA states, 50 countries, 9  Canadian Provinces, and on all Seven Continents of the world over these past 33+ years. All these marvelous couples want nothing more than to secure happiness.

    Happiness is, in fact, a goal for most people, as it should be. Being happy in life is the goal of rational people. Never forget that!

  1. Success in life and love has almost nothing to do with luck. Our love and marriage work together over these past three-plus decades suggests that there is no such thing as luck! Is education luck? Is the development of good moral character luck? Is working three jobs to provide for your family luck? Is marrying the right person luck? Is having a steady job that pays a livable wage luck?Our answer to these questions is a resounding, NO! To suggest that life is all about luck is to minimize all of the hard work done by folks day in and day out to secure a better future. We have a lot of faith in human beings to work hard to achieve the success they desire. Success has little to do with luck.
  1. Who you love and want to spend your life with defines who you are as a person. Making decisions about whom you want to love, marry, and spend your life with, speaks volumes about your personhood. Do not make these decisions lightly. People are always defined by what they love. Love well. Love the right person.Analyze very carefully your decision before you make it, but understand this—loving and marrying the right person might very well be the most important decision you will make in your life. Do not make this decision lightly.
  1. Good health is, for most people, the secret to a happy life. Let’s be clear, doing the things that are required for a healthy mind and body are prerequisites to healthy life and love.As we have written in several books, articles, and blogs over the years, one of the Seven Secrets of a Successful Marriage is this, “long-time successfully married couples care about each other’s health and do their best to promote good health in each other. They know that the way you emote, your level of anxiety, your productivity, and your ability to engage in a loving relationship, are all affected by what you put into your mouth (or do not!) and how you maintain the health of your body—both mentally and physically. Successfully married couples long ago recognized that you must manage your mind and mood through food, exercise, and healthy living.”
  1. Every day of your life engage in an act of kindness! Be nice to those you meet. Give a compliment or two. Over-tip the waitress or waiter. Wave a person at the supermarket through the cross walk in front of you. Let someone with a smaller cart of groceries go ahead of you in line. Return ugliness from someone with a smile and a “Have a nice day!”The simple truth is this—people are measured by how they react to adversity, how they react to those who are unkind. It is easy to engage in “road rage.” It is far harder to control yourself when offended, chastised, belittled, and treated unfairly. As the British might say, “Stiffen that upper-lip!” Or as our mother’s used to say, “It’s okay to turn the other cheek.”

    Life is full of confrontations between nice people and ugly people. Make it your goal to be a good person—a decent person—a nice person. Your life and the lives of those you love will be happier because of it.

  1. Always be open to diverse points of view. Always be willing to listen to and consider a point of view different from your own. Let’s face it, it’s easy to get angry when someone doesn’t agree with us. In modern America, it is increasingly difficult to have civil conversations.  Too many people’s mantra is, “My way or the highway.” Compromise is seemingly a thing of the past.As Charley’s mother used to say, “Life is too short!” What she meant should be clear—if you spend your life arguing about everything—if you spend your life rejecting outright the points of views of others—you will be a miserable human being. Try your best to talk less and listen more to others. It is impossible to hear the messages of others if you do all the talking.
  1. Don’t be a bully! The intimidation of others is a bad thing. Respecting those who have less power than you is a good thing. Don’t ever be guilty of shouting down another human being.  It should be clear—life and love is a lot more fun when you treat others with respect.Here’s the truth—if you don’t respect the opinions of the one you purport to love—if you shout down the opinions of others—if you try to bully others into submission—you will ultimately lose in the game of life. Trust us—nobody likes a bully!!
  1. Live your life as an inspiration to others. Be a positive role model—be a teacher. Great teachers inspire, they offer insights, they make us laugh and cry, they change our lives in meaningful and measurable ways, and they make us better people. We have spent over four decades each in our respective lives, being teachers.At the start of each day of your life dedicate yourself to being a person who wants to inspire others, who offers insights into life, who wants to help others, and who wants to share the knowledge they possess with others. Teachers care. You should care! Share your love, share your knowledge, share “things that matter” in life.
  1. Life is a journey—be engaged. Charley’s mother used to say, “If you woke up this morning you knew it was the start of a good day!” In many ways, life is like a baseball game. There is no clock. The game of life for the most part has no seasons.One inning of life leads to another and sometimes you win the game, sometimes you lose, sometimes you go into “extra innings.” No matter what the outcome, you play the game—for better or worse. In life and love it is important that you play the game—get involved—take advantage of each day of your life. Be engaged in life. Be engaged in love. There is nothing like it.

These are the lessons of life and love. Get engaged today. You won’t regret it.

By Dr. Charles and Dr. Elizabeth Schmitz
America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts


On the verge of having been married for 50 years, the Doctors give advice that you know you can trust.

Discover what happily married women know about what makes a man marriage material and learn other revealing truths in How to Marry the Right Guy—the latest multiple award winning book by the Doctors.

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Surprise! The Secret to a Happy Marriage – Alone Time

July 8, 2015

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Your partner needs space to grow as an individual.

Stop the presses! We’ve discovered the most important ingredient of a successful marriage! And do you know what it is? The answer is . . . (drum roll, please) . . . alone time!

Give your life’s partner the gift of privacy and aloneness with these six tips from happily married couples:

By Dr. Charles and Dr. Elizabeth Schmitz
America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts

For more tips to enhance your relationship visit SimpleThingsMatter.com and get the best-selling and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts. Available wherever books are sold.

Discover what happily married women know about what makes a man marriage material and learn other revealing truths in How to Marry the Right Guy – the latest multiple award winning book by the Doctors.

Stop! Don’t Marry Him

April 5, 2015
Don't Marry Him by American's Love and Marriage Experts

Don’t Marry Him

He seems like the perfect prince charming. But 7 warning signs tell you to STOP—You’ll NEVER change these 7 things about him.

You think you are totally in love with the guy. You even think he’s marriage material. He says all the right things, but over time … you begin to notice that his actions don’t match his words. He tells you that he respects you, but dismisses your opinions. He claims he wants a shared relationship, but then he makes all the decisions.

Sorry, ladies … these are the behaviors of a “loser.”

After more than 33 years of marriage research conducted around the world, we’ve learned that ignoring the warning signs of a loser comes at great risk to your health, happiness, and welfare. Heed the warning signs … before it’s too late.

Our favorite questions for a woman whose marriage has failed are: “Why? … What went wrong? Why do you think your marriage failed?” The answer is almost always the same: “I thought I could fix him.”

There is one truth you can take to the bank, and that is: you CANNOT change a man! Either accept him the way he is—warts and all—or move on.

Remember, personalities are well established by the early to late teen years (some even say by age 7). If you think you can change him, you are potentially setting yourself up for an unsatisfying and failed relationship.

The seven telltale behaviors that our marriage research reveals you cannot change or fix in the man you are thinking about marrying:

  1. His controlling behavior is a constant occurrence. We often hear women say to us, “He always wants control,” or, “If I want to go to movie X, he buys tickets for movie Y.” When your guy exhibits behaviors that telegraph he clearly wants complete control of your relationship, be very wary. A true loving relationship does not have bosses.

 Here is the link to the other six warning signs that say STOP don’t marry him!

For more tips to enhance your relationship visit SimpleThingsMatter.com and get the best-selling and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts. Available wherever books are sold.

By Dr. Charles and Dr. Elizabeth Schmitz
America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts

Discover what happily married women know about what makes a man marriage material and learn other revealing truths in How to Marry the Right Guy – the latest multiple award winning book by the Doctors.

Your marriage failed – how to avoid the pitfalls again

October 18, 2012

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Marriages fail.  Relationships collapse. It is sad to say and hard to accept by many, but the flames of love die out.  What started out with so much promise sometimes ends in disaster. Now the challenge is how to pick yourself up, brush yourself off and start all over again.

There are five important things that you need to do to avoid repeating the same mistakes from an earlier marriage.

1.  Take an honest look at your previous marriage and determine what you could have done differently to improve that relationship before it came to an end.  Could you have spent more time with your spouse, or taken more interest in their hobbies, or noticed the signs of trouble earlier and sought help to resolve the issues were festering, or talked more openly about what was bothering you?

2.  Repair your spirit and your balance.  Take the steps to get healthy mentally and physically.  Take time to heal and stabilize from your last relationship.  You can’t make appropriate decisions “off-balance” or in an unhealthy state.  You need to heal yourself first.

3. Know your worth!  Don’t fall for the seduction and settle for the first person that shows interest in you.  Wait to find someone who shares your values, beliefs and goals.

4.  Recognize that your next love will come along when you find someone who shares your interests.  You need to develop your interests — be it kayaking, camping out, dancing, or biking. You are much more likely to attract the right potential mate at places where others share your interests.

5.  Appreciate what you have!  If you have beautiful children, good health, a place to live, or a job, you already have more than most people in the world.  Focus on the positives.  Enjoy our life.  Your happiness will attract others to you.

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts
Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
For more marriage advice visit their website Simple Things Matter

Get their latest book, Building a Love that Lasts

Can You Change Him?

August 22, 2012

Marriage Advice from Love and Marriage Experts

Over the past three decades our favorite question for women whose marriage has failed is, “WHY?”  What went wrong?  Why do you think your marriage failed?

The answer we often get from our female respondents is this, “I thought I could fix him.”  We wish she had asked us about this issue before she decided she could change him into Mr. Right.

There is one truism you can take to the bank – YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM!  Either accept him the way he is—warts and all—or move on.

Always remember, the personality of a human being is WELL established by their early to late teen years!  If you think you can change him, you are potentially setting yourself up for an unsatisfying and failed relationship . . . and often times, with dangerous consequences.

In our 30 years of interviews we have learned that there are seven telltale signs of relationships that will not work.  These are not habits such as burping after dinner, leaving messes around the house, or turning the music up too loud.  These are pervasive personality characteristics you cannot CHANGE or FIX.  These are character flaws.  Don’t be fooled and don’t be deluded into thinking you can make these attitudes and behaviors go away.  You can’t!

Here are the seven fatal personality characteristics to watch for:

1.  Controlling Behavior:  We often hear women say to us “He always wanted to be in charge.”  He wanted to “Have the last word.” “If I wanted to go to movie X, he would buy tickets for movie Y.”  He wants to control who you talk to, what you do and where you go. True loving relationships are characterized by adherence to “democracy” – a relationship where responsibility is shared.  Having someone “in charge” does not make for a healthy relationship.

2.  Condescending Attitude:  Here’s the deal – your guy is NOT your master, ladies!  You are not his slave. He is not more important than you and his attitudes and opinions do not trump yours. If he exhibits a condescending attitude towards you more than once a week, you might want to reconsider your relationship with him. If he acts like he is superior, it is time for you to move on!

3.  Narcissistic Behavior:  According to the Mayo Clinic, “Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they’re superior to others and have little regard for other people’s feelings.”

Many women we have interviewed tell us that their so-called “partner” believes everything should be about him and that he has an insatiable need for admiration and self-aggrandizement.  If he thinks he is superior to you, you should demonstrate otherwise by walking away from your relationship with him.

4.  Bullying Tactics:  Let’s be honest here – nobody likes a bully. A bully wants to push you around. A bully wants to make you cower in his presence.  A bully is a termite.  He is always trying to get inside of you and weaken you.  He wants to eat away at your interior so he can control you.  So, we ask this simple question, “Does your mate bully you?”  If he does, it is time to walk away from your relationship.

5.  Manipulative Actions:  Here is a simple question for you to contemplate – does the one you love try to manipulate you?  Does he try to “pull your strings” as if you were a puppet?  Does he continuously find different ways to manipulate you – your actions, your feelings, your behaviors, and your aspirations?  Some men always want to steer you towards a conclusion they would have drawn, not one you would have drawn.  Beware of manipulation!

6.  Lack of Follow Through:  Okay, he promised you a rose garden, but never delivered!   He told you he would take you to dinner, but made excuses for why he do it.  He told you he would cut the grass, but didn’t.  The truth is, he told you he would do a lot of things.  In the end, he rarely ever follows through on his promises.  Heed the warnings – not following through is a warning sign that you should pay close and careful attention to.

7.  Cannot be Trusted:  We have found over the years that the best marriages have at their core – TRUST!  If you have caught the man you think you love in lies—even little lies—be very cautious.  Brushing it off as no big deal can have major consequences.  If he talks about how he doesn’t have to be truthful with his friends or family members in certain circumstances, be very cautious.  If he can lie to a friend or family member, he will lie to you. If you can’t trust him, move on.  If you stay, you do so at your peril.

Here is the most important lesson of all – if he is flawed, if his actions and behaviors correspond to the aforementioned, you have to understand that you can’t fix him!  If he demonstrates any of these pervasive personality characteristics, he is impossible to change.  If you want to flail away at windmills, go ahead and believe that you can change him.  But in the end, you will be terribly disappointed.

His actions do, in fact, trump his words.  Always remember the age old adage, “Actions speak louder than words.”

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts
Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
For more marriage advice visit their website Simple Things Matter

Marriage Advice TV – Positive Communication is the Elixir of Love

July 8, 2012

Marital Communications

Enjoy our latest short Marriage Advice TV episode called Positive Communication is the Elixir of Love.  We have heard advice from thousands of happily married couples around the world regarding the important things you should say to your spouse everyday. Here are the five most important things to say to your spouse everyday.

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts
Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
For more marriage advice visit their website Simple Things Matter 

Your quest for love

February 1, 2010

Slow down finding love the second time around by America's Love and Marriage ExpertsIn the beginning of a budding love relationship, don’t get in a hurry in your quest for love and companionship.  To do so will often result in a failed relationship because one of you will run away before the relationship is cemented if you feel pressured!  And that would be too bad.  There is no question about that.
By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts
Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
For more marriage advice visit their website Simple Things Matter