Can You Be Happy With Someone Whose Views Are Opposite Of Yours?
In our marriage interview protocol we ask each couple about their political beliefs and affiliations. And one of our major conclusions based on 33 years of interviews is that the age-old adage “opposites attract” is FALSE! Rarely have we interviewed a successfully married couple that had political, religious, and other heartfelt beliefs that were diametrically in opposition to each other. In the real world, that rarely happens.
Imagine this—a happily married couple who roots for the Cardinals and the Cubs or the Yankees and the Red Sox or the Black Hawks and the Blues. These may be very RARE exceptions, but are hardly the norm. Forget about it! Opposites rarely attract in sports or in politics. This notion is an urban myth. Opposites have fundamentally opposite values. And for the most part, rarely the twain shall meet.
Here is another example of why opposites don’t attract in a political sense. We have only very rarely met a couple whose political views were diametrically opposed on issues of abortion, the death penalty, stem cell research, man-made climate change, gun control, immigration, same-sex marriage, taxes, welfare, etc., who had a successful marriage or long-term relationship. Almost never happens!
Let’s face it, married couples and those in successful couple relationships, have enormous influence over each other. When those considering a love relationship fundamentally disagree on most issues of importance, they are HIGHLY unlikely to match up.
Over the years, we have heard some pundits refer to the “marriage gap.” The “marriage gap” suggests that there are those married couples and people in love who do not share common political beliefs and hence; their relationship usually doesn’t survive. We share this belief.
While there are, indeed, successful couples that do NOT have common political beliefs that have a marriage or relationship that survives, this is rarely the case. Make no mistake about it, your mate selection is directly related to your belief system—be it political, sports related, religious, or otherwise. Feelings about these issues are intense and are not to be dismissed casually. Who you select as your mate is intertwined with your belief system and theirs.
Dare to be different when it comes to selecting someone to love, but remember your chances of having a successful and long-term love affair with someone whose belief system is very different from yours is low, very low! As you are making that all important decision about who to marry and spend the rest of your life with, you need to consider the consequences of choosing a mate who is different from you versus someone who shares your likes, loves, views, positions, and passions.
In fact, those who are in love and stay in love for a lifetime are NOT opposites. They are, for the most part, soul mates. We would offer this advice to those who believe the urban myth that “opposites attract” in love and marriage. Don’t believe it. Don’t take the chance.
Over your lifetime, the most important influence in your life will be the one you truly love. Choose wisely! Select someone compatible with you. Being avant-garde with your choice will only come back to haunt you in the future. Making a positive life choice will mean more to you in the long run than your attempts to be politically correct (PC) or trendy. Your choice in a mate is, after all, about your happiness and theirs in the long run. Compatibility is a virtue. Don’t spoil your chance of finding true love for a lifetime by taking a position that important issue differences in a relationship do not matter. They do!
By Dr. Charles and Dr. Elizabeth Schmitz
America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts
On the verge of having been married for 50 years, the Doctors give advice that you know you can trust.
Discover what happily married women know about what makes a man marriage material and learn other revealing truths in How to Marry the Right Guy—the latest multiple award winning book by the Doctors.